Good-bye? As in „a good thing“? I don’t think so …
Partings are hard. To me they are usually as heartbreaking as they seemed promising before they actually happen. It’s daunting leaving something behind – the bad things fade away into insignificance as I focus on all the good things that are also left behind – much more colourful and vivid in my mind … and certainly more present in my heart.
So … leaving Colombia was hard, even after all the failed attempts, the disappointments, the struggles … and even harder as I left Angel behind – as just a friend, not as a boyfriend anymore. That hurt more than anything because I care about him in a way I can’t describe, and I am scared of what will happen to us, this new us that somehow isn’t an us anymore … I’m scared of what will happen when we’re apart.
Sitting on the plane AV 9459 from Cúcuta to Bogotá, staring into the dark outside, these thoughts formed in my mind.
It’s scary how fast things can be gone. One last hug and done. The city disappears from view within 15 seconds. Now it’s just dark and cloudy outside, interspersed with the regular blinking of the plane’s lights. Inside it’s fresh, muted and calm. Inside me there’s turmoil. Leaving has two sides, and these two sides are trying to arrange themselves inside me, trying to fit in, rubbing against each other, fighting for the upper hand. It’s unsettling me, shaking my world, the world I have come to love and hate during the past 8 months. As always, the love is stronger, the heart more forgetful of all the things that have gone wrong, making more space for the brighter memories; and making space means something needs to be removed, and I guess that must be why tears are sliding down my cheeks and I seem to be unable to gain control over this mechanism.
The blinking lights on the airplane’s wings are soothing, though, as is the gentle buzz of the airplane and people’s conversations. My breath steadies and my eyes dry up a bit. I breathe. In and out. Let’s see where this journey takes me.
[08.03.2017 – 21.45]